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GUESTBOOK

Sometimes, Strawberry Shortcake makes me want to stick a fork in my eye.

Strawberry Shortcake, of course, being my nom de diary for my younger daughter. I gots no beef with the doll.

When Shortcake and her sister, Sister Golden Hair, got home from school yesterday, I had cooled only to a slow boil. I asked them to guess what I'd seen in the floor in front of their closet. Golden's face fell and she knew the jig was up. "Our clothes," she said defeatedly. Shortcake, on the other hand, looked bewildered.

"Uh huh," I continued. "And guess who lied and told me they were put away?"

They answered at the same time. Golden said "We did."

But Shortcake said "Golden!" complete with an indignant finger point. "I didn't lie! I was in the shower when you told Golden to hang her clothes up!"

I brushed off the reflexic urge to reach for a fork. I love love love my Shortcake but on the best of days, she's difficult. And I angled to outlast, outwit and outplay my mule of a child.

"Um, yes you did lie. I asked you each if you'd hung your clothes up and you each said yes. And you hadn't done it."

"I didn't have any clothes in that pile!"

"So whose off-white sweater is that?"

"Sometimes Golden accidently knocks clothes down!"

This is the move known as the Sperm-Donor Two Step. Step one, blame someone else.

"Shortcake....you lied and got caught. Just accept it."

Step two, if blaming doesn't divert attention from your fuck-up, lie your ever-loving ass off.

"I didn't check if I had clothes there."

"But you told me your clothes were put up, so you lied!"

"No! I didn't lie! There were no clothes on the floor!!"

Who knew this shit was genetic?

"I saw them with my own two eyes!! It was the sweater I know I washed yesterday and the jeans you're wearing now. Where'd you get those jeans this morning?"

"The floor!"

This sickening dance went on for at least a half hour until I began having chest pain, so I busted her ass and put an end to it. I was proud of myself though; I did not stick a fork in my eye even though I really wanted to. Instead, I took a Percocet.

design by fergie

Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.