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GUESTBOOK

I just killed one of the biggest fucking spiders I have ever SEEN. I mean seriously, there is no mystery as to how this creature got into my house, because clearly it just turned the door knob, wiped all eight feet, and waltzed the hell in and any onlookers would simply have assumed it was my 6'2", 250lb. boyfriend. For real.

The cat was chasing something AROUND MY BARE FEET and I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was one of his tinsel balls....then I moved and this huge THING goes skittering across the carpet and I think 'holy JESUS, cat! Kill that thing before it EATS you!' Simeltaneously I think 'oh god. that THING was nearly ON MY BODY' which would have been way more than enough to cause me a mitocardial infarction. The goddamn cat was running behind it with his nose almost on the fiend like it was something I'd Bought him at goddamn Petsmart, so clearly I could not rely on the cat to exterminate.

I am way too irrationally arachnaphobic to get close enough to a spider to kill it with an object: if I miss, it'll just get pissed and it could totally jump on my face. I prefer to spray them, ideally with bug killer but hey, I'm not picky. The first cleaning product I can rip from the cabinet works, too. But the problem with that is that they work slowly, giving the saturated spider time to gimp off and hide so you can never be sure that it died. It could be hiding in the corner under the shoes. Drying. Plotting. Totally waiting for me to go to bed and again with the face-jumping thing. I know this conundrum by heart, but if I didn't act fast that monstrousity was going to get away and--well, I can't really say hide because where can a spider the size of a medium-sized dog really hide in a small house for an extended period of time? But if it did manage to escape, where could I go and be safe? And so, totally on adrenaline and blind FEAR, I grab a shoe and try to smoosh the motherfucker and nearly FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR INTO IT'S LOVIN' ARMS. But I crippled it to the point that when I retreived the shoe, it didn't move and I DEALT THE DEATH BLOW. It is now a dark, flat spot on my front door rug. I keep checking.

I'm still not sure I'm not going to pass the fuck out.

Stop laughing.

design by fergie

Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.