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Somewhere along my way, I've cleared a hurdle. I clearly remember running into it many times and ending up with my face ground painfully into the cinders, but recently, it's become obvious that I have unknowingly sailed over it, Or maybe I just wheeled around it. Whatever.
The hurdle was feeling like a huge burden to anyone taking me out. I have felt for years that pushing me around and folding and packing or unfolding and unpacking my chair and possibly helping me in or out of a vehicle and doing all the driving was a huge cross to bear for anyone who is naive enough to try it. I've had evidence to support my theory slammed ito my face several times: my ex-husband and my mother were neither one too shy to tell me I was a pain in their ass, and I've had a potential friend or two just drop out of existance after taking me out once or twice.
Which is what happened last week. A girl I thought was becoming my friend suddenly went MIA after 2 outings--outings I thought we both enjoyed. Mind you that I also invited her over to visit several times, so it's not as though I only called her up when I wanted a free taxi. But, last Monday, after declining a third outing due to a full schedule that week and then telling me to call her that same week if I got bored because she'd be home, she promptly disappeared. She remained 'gone' this past Monday when I got into a jam and needed a babysitter, but I take partial responsibility for that because I was dumb enough to come right out and say on her machine 'Please call me back--I need to ask a favor.' Which is just like saying 'don't call me back unless you want to get up off your sorry ass and help me out.'
Up until now, an occurance like this would have ground me into the dust. It would have brought up what a pain in the ass I obviously am--mom and ian were right. And it would have spiraled out into if I was a normal person instead of such a complete freak, my personality would have outweighed the extra effort it entails to be my friend. But, I am clearly as worthless as I have always been and I should have known better than to try to make a friend, anyhow. My own mother doesn't like me. Why would anyone else?
But something in me has shifted, and when my 'friend' declined to go shopping due to sitting at home 'all week' and being too busy, after the initial sting, I thought "Fuck you. I didn't ask to be in a chair and if I could fold it up and stow it in the trunk myself, I would. And if I could drive, I certainly wouldn't be depending on you or anyone else to take me where I want to go. Fuck you, because I had good time going out before and if you didn't, that's on you. If dealing with my chair was enough to ruin your fun, then you're not the kind of person I want for a friend anyway. I'm in a wheelchair--so sorry if that incoveniences you. I'm too much trouble for you? Fine. Because this is me, and you can accept my disability and all it entails along with my humor, wisdom, sensitivity, compassion and generousity or you can miss out on me. FUCK. YOU."
Did you see that leap?
design by fergie
Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames
but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try
but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy
to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser
butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find
a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.
