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READS
RINGS
Speak of the Devil...
...and she shall write you a nasty email. Are you all paying attention? I mean my mom. My mom wrote me a little note, basically all about what a bitch I am and how I really should spend the rest of my days groveling in her debt for all she's done for me. That part is nothing I haven't heard before, but she's got this new move, one that just floors me. Now she uses my late Grandma in whatever way she can conjure up to try to make me feel guilty. Any time I think I've seen it all from her and she can sink no lower, there she goes, waving up at the fucking Titanic.
All trains of mom-thought end at the same depot: the day she tried to steal my kids, her thought progression that made that seem ok to her. I try to grasp what makes her think that what she did that day is something she should be thanked for. It's something that I can't help but obsess over at times like this when she jumps up in my face. I try and I try and I try to understand my mom's warped behavior, and 99% of the time I come up blank. Which is good because to really understand her fully would make me a headcase too. But today, I did glean some new truth from that day.
See, my mom thought my girls were a gift from God. To her. She decided they were her "second chance" to raise two daughters the 'right way.' Daughters that she didn't allow to be abused. And that day, she deluded herself into believing she was 'rescuing' her pseudo-daughters from the hands of an abuser. Just the way she should have with me and Abby. It was a way to right her wrongs. To karmically re-align herself. To assuage her guilt. To redeem herself.
Except that it wasn't even close to being the same thing she should have done for us.
Back then, when Abby and I were little, to 'rescue' us would have meant giving up a husband. Her security, her love, her home, her freedom to not work. She would have to sacrifice everything. But that day, with my kids? She stood to lose nothing. She thought she could make up for her past mistakes by sitting in her house with her man and her monthly checks and my kids and give up nothing.
And right her wrongs.
Even in her guilt, she is still the most selfish person I've ever known.
design by fergie
Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames
but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try
but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy
to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser
butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find
a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.
