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OLDER

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D-LAND

GUESTBOOK

Children can be so cruel. T'is true that even I was guilty as charged a handful of times, mostly to my sister. But there was one particular time that I sharpened my then neubile claws on my best friend.

Sarah and I spent most of our summer days at my house since her single mom worked. We were ten-ish and we spent a lot of time outside. My little sister usually tagged along and played on the fringe. But one day, setting a trend for my high school days, Sarah found my sister much more fun to play with and suddenly, I was the one on the fringe. I have green eyes, literally and figuratively. That day, they flickered and in my immaturity, instead of just joining in their play or coming out and saying how hurt I was that my best friend was playing with my little sister instead of me, I did the next best thing: I started an argument.

I don't remember much of it at all, really, except that apparently Sarah had just gotten a dog after much begging and pleading. We had two new Doberman puppies that we barely had to blink to get (my step-father wanted them. He was so proud of 'his' dogs....except that they pissed on him every time he sat still. Karma is such a bitch.). The only thing I remember saying is "at least I don't have to beg my mom for a dog!"

I yelled that from about six feet away, and Sarah looked as if I'd just punched her in the gut. She screamed back, defiant and through tears "Oh yeah? Well maybe my mom doesn't love me as much as your mom loves you!"

Oh, how victory tastes when you break your best friend's heart to gain it. Not surprisingly, my sister seemed like a really fun playmate then, and off they went together, arm in arm, my sister consoling her.

We made up, and not before long, I'm sure. It's just wildly ironic to me now that then, parental willingness to get a dog equated love and I was the winner. Sarah didn't know then and I daily repressed the price I paid for those dogs because in our house, step-father had the last word on everything. And even though Sarah may have felt then that her Mom didn't love her much, years later, Janice stepped up and was a Mom to my sister and I when we ran for our sanity away from that house. She was the only reason we had a Chrstmas that year. And the last I knew, Janice had never tried to steal Sarah's kids.

Strange, the way circumstances reveal where real love is. And where it isn't.

design by fergie

Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.