m

OLDER

READS

RINGS

D-LAND

GUESTBOOK

"I miss reading you."
~Fergie

I miss your presence. Most days I don't, I guess because you stay so close to my heart. I wish there was a way to keep a tally of the times per day that you cross my mind, because I'm quite sure that it's more times than I'm fully aware of. You're always at least at the back of my mind, so I guess it doesn't seem that you're gone. But right now I'm barely post-menstral and your guestbook entry left me in tears.

In part, I'm crying because I know why it is so hard for me to come here now: it's where I poured my soul out about Ginger's death. I don't think the people in my every day life realize how much her death affected me. Dad let me go through her clothes and take what I wanted and I wear them all the time. He gave me just a couple of her jewelry items for now, but you should see the fucking rock that he intends for me to have; it's a cocktail ring, a cluster of diamonds. Ginger still had the receipt and she paid over $1800 for this ring like 26 years ago. I didn't tell you yet that I got a new tattoo. It's a hummingbird sipping from a flower. The flower has 3 leaves and each one has initials--Ginger's and those of my girls. My girls' don't have the last initial, though ;-).

The other part of why I got all teary is because I just miss you, dammit. It's so strange to me.....we were only friends for about a year when we made the fateful trek to San Francisco. And that was eigt years ago. God, I'll never forget that. What did we have, like $300, part of a loaf of bread and some peanut butter? And SO not enough clothes because how were two bible-belt-ers to know how goddamn cold the desert gets at night, even in June? I have words and phrases in my head that only you'd get the significance of; Beaver, Utah, "big rocks," The Colorado Pen Company, the best Caeser salad ever, Chris Farley, the Gateway Arch.....do you remember me chipping my elbow in that 'hotel' room at SFSU? That still flares up from time to time. Good times.

I remember you dying my hair (back in Ohio) that wine color. Remember me wearing that purplish eyeliner in my brows? I said jokingly it was so people would think the dye was my natural color. I remember that purple dress that I felt like--scratch that--I was a queen in. And you telling me I had a nice chest. Yeah, I remember that. And meeting at the mall, you paging me with obscene numeric codes during my 3 hour night class, going to TGIFridays like, nightly. We worked 1470's, didn't we? The crowd would just part for us. Maybe because they knew you'd use me for a battering ram if they didn't move. Or hell, maybe they didn't move....maybe in my mind they just fell away and all I saw was you.

Not a whole lot has changed.

~M

design by fergie

Bits of fire in the sky push me east back home. I used to live in flames but it's hard on the wings. Choke me. Smoke me. Scare me back. You try but you just can't. I peel the layers in my spare time, and you're easy to see through. I can fly, I've discovered on my own. I may be the lesser butterfly but my wings are just as strong. Who are you to tell me to find a place to land? I may be the lesser butterfly but baby watch me glide.